THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA 



"^ little nonsense now and then is relished hy the 
wisest men J* 



THE JOKE ON SQUmiM; 



(Or, the Black Statue Revised.) 



B3r TT;?-. B. SHEr^ID-A-ILT, 



IPI^IOE 15 OEISTTS. 



CHICAGO: 
T. S, DEN I SON. 



NO PLAYS EXCHANGED, 



THE STAR DRAMA. 

Price, FIFTEEN CTS. EACH, Postpaid. 

This series includes only plays of the highest order of merit. They are the very 
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action. The dramas combine tender pathos, delightful luunor, and sparkling wit. 
The farces are brimful of the rarest fun. 

This series is very carefully revised by an experienced editor. Each play is un- 
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AL.L< THAT G1j1TT£RS IS WOT OOI-D.— A comic drama in two 

acts. Time, two hours. Six males, three females. 
CASTE. — ^A comedy in five acts. Time, two hours and thirty minutes. Five 

males, three females. 
EAST li YNWE.— A drama in five acts. Time, two hours and thirty minutes. 

Eight males, seven females. 
FRUITS OF THE WIXE CUP— A temperance drama in three acts. 

Time fifty minutes. Six males, four females. 
HOME. — A comedy in five acts. Time, two hours. Four males, three females. 
ICI 0»r PARL.E FRANCAIS.— A farce. Time forty minutes. Four 

males, three iemales. 
IN THE WROSrC} HOUSE, (two T. J.'s) A farce. Time thirty minutes. 

Four males, two females. 
I'M ]X[OT MESI1.F AT Alil.,— A farce. Time, twenty-five minutes. Three 

males, two females. 
JOHX SMITH.— A farce. Time thirty-five min. Five males, three females. 
K-ISS IIV THE DARK..— A sketch. Time thirty minutes. Three males, two 

females. 
liAOY OF I<YOXS.— A drama in five acts. Time, two hours .and forty-five 

minutes. Twelve males, four females. 
IiARKIXS' liOVE 1«ETTERS.— A farce. Time, forty minutes. Four 

males, two females. 
liOUVA, THE PAUPER.— A drama in five acts. Time, one hour and 

forty-five minutes. Nine males, four females. 
lilMERICK BOY. (THE)- A farce. Time, forty-five minutes. Fivre 

males, two females. 
MY ^WlFE'S REIiATIONS.— Comedietta. Time, one hour. Four males, 

six females. 
MY TURX NEXT.— A farce. Time forty-five min. Four males, three females. 
MY NEI^iiHBOR'S WIFE.— A force. Time forty-five minutes. Three 

males, three females. 
NOT SUCH A FOOIi AS HE liOOHS.— A farcical drama in three acts. 

Time, two hours. Five male-, f©ur females. 
PifiRSECUTEO DUTCHMAN. (THE) —A force. Time, fifty minutes. 

six males, three females. 
<|,UIET FAMIIiY, (A)— A farce. Time, forty^five minutes. Four males, 

fo\ir females, 
REC;Ul<AR FIX, (A)— A farce. Time, forty min. Six males, four females. 
ROUC^H DIAMOND. (THE) (Country Cousin)— A farce. Time, forty 

minutes. Four males, three females. 
SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. (A)— A comedy drama in five acts. Time, 

two hours and twenty minutes. Eight males, three females. 
SPARKIiINC} CUP, (THE)— A temperance play in five acts. Time, one 

'Hioiir and forty-five minutes. Twelve males, four females. 
TEN NIGHTS IN A BAR'ROOM.- A temperance drama in five acts. 

Time, two hours. Twelve males, four females. 
TOODIjES, (THE)— .\ drama in two acts. Time, one hcur and fifteen min. 

Six males, two females. 
TURN HIM OUT.— A farce. Time, forty-five min. Three males, two females. 
THE TWO PUDDIFOOTS.— A farce. Time, forty minutes. Three 

males, three females. 
UNDER THE LAUREIiS.- A drama in five acts. Time, one hour and 

forty-five minutes, Five males, four females. 

T. 8. DENISON, Publisher, Chicago. 



New Plays. 



The Danger Signal, a drama in two acts, by T. S. Deni- 
son. Time, i hour, i^o minutes; 7 males, 4 females. 

Wide Enough for Two. a farce, byT. S. Denison. Time, 
50 minutes; 4 males, 2 females. 

The Joke on Squinim,(or the black statue), 30 minutes; 4. 
males, 2 females. Negro farce, by \V. B. Sheddan. 



THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 



[The Black Statue, Revised.] 



/ 



By W. B. SHEDDAH. 



NOV 17 IS83 

C HI C A G O z 

T. S. DEKISON, Publisher. 

Copyright, 1883, by T. S. Dbnison. 






.^1 

CHARACTERS: 



Mr. Squinim. Betsy Squinim. Pete. 

Mks. Squinim, Jake. Mr. Posey. 



TIME OF PLAYING— Thirty Minutes. 



COSTUMES: 



Mr. Squinim, Jake and Pete in every-day working dress. 
Posey dressed as a traveling gentleman. Mrs. Squinim should 
dress in faded calico, a handkerchief around her neck, and some- 
thing dark on her head. Betsy in a bright-colored dress, with 
red handkerchief on her head worn as a turban. 



SITUATIOHS: 



jB., means right as the actor faces the audience ; Z., left ; G. 
center. 



SYHOPSIS: 



Pete and Jake are threshing in the barn. Betsy comes in, and 
they play blindman's buff. Pete is blindfolded, and catches 
Squinim, who enters. Hugs him, thinking he is Betsy. Squinim, 
enraged, discharges Pete. By the aid of Mr. Posey (white), Pete 
is carried into the house and sold to Squinim for a statue. He 
elopes with Betsy, and they are married before S. is aware of it. 
Jake plays statue, and knocks down all who turn the crank. 
Squinim completely outwitted. 

This is a very funny and innocent little farce. 



TMP96-006739 



THE JOKE ON SQUINIM, 



Scene. — Interior of a barn. Enter Pete B with two flails. 

Pete. Jake, Jake, you in dar ? 

Jake. (Without.) Yaas. 

Pete. Well, hurry up ; frow down dat wheat. 

Jake. Oh, Pete, dey's such awful big rats out lieah. (Stamps 
around outside and hollers^ ^''Shoo, shoo clah! " and then begins to 
whistle.) 

Pete. Well, jess nebber min' dem rats, but frow down dat 
wheat. 

Jake. Yaas. I golly, Pete, but dese big rats! (Whistles.) 

Pete. Now, Jake, hurry up. Misser Squinim be 'long soon 
an' den you'll cotch it. (Jake pitches the sheaves out so rapidly 
that one strikes Pete and knocks him down.) Didn't tell you frow 
'em out like cannon-balls. 

Enter Jake L. 

Jake. You ready ? 

Pete. Yis, sah. Now, Jake, you strike first. 

Jake. No, Pete, you strike first. 

Pete. No, Jake, you strike first. 

Jake. (Going toward the door.) Den I won't frash. 

Pete. Come back, Jake, I strike first. (They thrash for a little 
while when Jake .strikes Pete's flail.) Der now, Jake, you done 
broke my flail. Here, now, you got ter help fix dat. 

Jake. Well, you won't nebber keep stroke. (They both work 
at the flail when Jake spits on Peters fingers.) Der, now, dat all 
right ? 

Pete. Now, Jake, you strike first. 

Jake. No, Pete, you strike first. 

Pete. No, Jake, you strike first. - 

Jake. Den I won't thrash. 

Pete. Come back, Jake, I strike first. (They begin again 
when Pete strikes Jake's flail.) 

Jake. Well, now, you broke my flail. You is de awfulest 
nigger to work wid 1 nebber seed. Look aheali, you tie dat 
flail. 

Pete. Oh, I soon fix dat; you jess hoi' it, Jake. 

Jake. Well, you fix dat good. (Pete ties it while Jake holds 
it, and then Jake spits on his -fingers.) 



4 THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 

Fete. Der, now, you bet dat won't come loose. 

Jake. Yaas, now we kin thrash agin. Wy don' you strike ? 

Pete. Kase you got strike first dis time. 

Jake. No, sah, you got strike first. 

Pete. Oh, come now, Jalie, you strilie first dis time ; I strike 
first befoah. 

Jake. Don' care ; you got strike first or I won't strike 'tall. 

Pete. Come back, Jake; I strike first. {They begl/i again.) 
Enter Squinim R. 

Squinim. Well, boys, you's doin' fine. 

Pete. Yis, sah, wese workin' berry hard. 

Squinim. Well, jess stop an' help me shoulder dis yer bag. 
{They quit and lifting the hag -pitch it onto Squinim so hard th'd 
it knocks him over.) 

iSquitmn. Heah, heah, boys, mus'n't do dat. 

Jake. Pete don' dat. 

Pete. No, sah, Jake don' it. 

Jake. 'Tain't so ; Pete don' dat. 

Squinim. Now, boys, stop your quarrelin' an' put dat bag up 
right. {They helj) him shoulder it.) Now git to work an' git de 
rest ob dat thrashin' done now right away. {Exit H.) 

Pete. Jake, you strike first. 

Jake. No, Pete, you strike first. 

Pete. Oh, come, Jake, you strike first. 

Jake. Den I won't strike 'tall. 

Pete. Oh, come back, Jake, I strike first. {They begin again 
and thrash for several minutes.) Less quit an' rest. 

Jake. All right. {They quit and seat themselves at the back of 
the stage.) Tell you what, Pete, we's bin a workin' hard. 

Pete. Yes, sah, Jake, you jess right. I feels mos' awful 
ired. Less play somethin'. 

Jake. All right, but wot'll we play ? 

Pete. Less play — play — play, " Pussy wants a corner." 

Jake. Ach ! Us two can't play that. 

Pete. Less play " Blindman's buff." 

Jake. Och ! Us two can't play that. 

Pete. We git somebody to help. 

Jake. Who'll we git ? 

Pete. Let's git Betsy. 

Jake. All right ; you call her. 

Pete. No, Jake ; you call her. 

Jake. No, Pete ; you call her. 

Pete. All right; I call her. {Gets up and calls.) Betsy! 
Betsy ! Hev, Betsy ! 

Betsy. {Without.) Hilloa! 

Pete. Jake wants you. 

Jake. {Springing up.) 'Tain't so ; Pete wants you. 
Enter Betsy. 

Pete. All right ; I want you, Betsy, help play " Blind man's 
buff." 



THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 6 

Betsy. I'se jess de gal foh dat game, I is. 

Pete. Jake, you blind your eyes first. 

Jake. No, Pete, you blind yours first. 

Pete. Oh, come Jake, blind your eyes first. 

Jake. No, sab ; if you don' blind yours first I won't play. 

Pete. Come back, Jake, I blind my eyes first. ("Betsy ties 
Peters handkerchief over his eyes and he starts after the others and 
finally catches Jake — squeezing him.) Oh, Betsy, but I love you I 
Oh, Betsy, but I love you ! (Pulling the blind off.) Why, is that 
you, Jake ? I thought it was Betsy ! Now, you put dis on. 
(He ties it on Jake and they begin to play.) 

Enter Squinim B. Betsy runs out L. Pete begins to thrash. 
Jake seizes Squinim. 

Jake. {Hugging him) Oh, Betsy, but I love you ! Oh, Betsy* 

but I love {Pulling off the blind.) Oh, gDlly! {Seizes flail 

and begins to thrash.) 

Squinim. Jake, Jake! Wot's dis fuss about? Who run 
out? 

Jake. Pete run out, 

Squinim. Wot! Pete run out an' Pete heah! Now, Jake, 
who run out ? 

Jake. Wy, Pete run out I tell you. 

Squinim. Pete run out an' Pete heah ? Jake, you mus' be a 
lyin'. 

Jake. No, sah, I isn't ; kase Pete run out. 

Squinim. Pete, who run out ? Pete, who run out ? 

Pete. Betsy run out. 

Squinim. Betsy, Betsy in heah ! Now, boys, you kin jess 
quit till I fine out 'bout dis. {They quit.) Now, wot wos Betsy 
adoin' in heah ? 

Pete. Plajdn' " Blindman's buff " wid us. 

Squinim. Betsy, my daughter Betsy, a playin' " Blindman's 
buff" wid you niggers! My daughter, my daughter Betsy, a 
playin' wid you black niggers ! Who called her ? 

Pete. I — I — I called her. 

Squinim. You did, eh ? Well, you jess come to de cabin an' 
I'll pay yer off an' you kin trabbel, de quicker de bettah. You 
heah ? 

Pete. Yis, sah. 

Squinivi. Den come on. {Exit Squinim and Pete R.) 

Jake. Well, well ! Tell you wot, I'se mos' mighty glad I 
didn't call Betsy. Pete tot dat he an' Betsy 'ud slip off some- 
time on de sly and git married 'fore de ole man 'ud fine out 
anything 'bout dem, but I guess dat game am about played out. 
I 'spect I'll hab a chance to talk kinder sugary-like to her like 
Pete did ; but I'll hab ter be purty mighty keerf ul, kase de ole 
man'll watch things awful close. Golly! but I wish dis yer 
thrashin' wos done. Well, s'pose I might's well begin, kase 
sence Pete ain't heah I'll hab ter strike first. {Be begins to 
thrash.) 



6 THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 

Enter Pete with carpet-hag L. 

Jake. Wv, liellcs Pete ! I tot you wos gone away. 

Pete. Well, I's jess on my road. I come to you once befoah 
1 leabe for eood. 

Jake. You isn't goin' far away, is you ? 

Pete. Yis, sah ; I'se goin' up Norf . 

Jake. Slio! You jess foolin'. 

Pete. No I isn't; I'se goin' fo' shuali. 

Jake. Oh, Pete, I'll feel so awful lonely an' dull arter youse 
gon' ! 

Pete. I know dat, Jake, but still I mus' go. 

Jake. An' Pete, I'se 'fraid I'll freeze to def a sleepin' lone de 
cold niglits nex' winter. 

Pete. Oh, well, doan you min'itso; I'll be back sometime 
'fore long, mebbe. 

Squinvm. (Without.) Jake, Jake! 

Jake. Hey ? 

Squinim. Come out heah. 

Jake. Yaas. 

Pete. An' Jake you 'members wot good times we had to- 
gedder ? 

Jake. Wal I does. 

Squinim. Jake, Jake! Now you come right away; you 
heah? 

Jake. Yis, I'se comin'. 

Pete. An' Jake you 'members dese ole close ; dese yer am 
de ones dat de white genelman, Misser Posey, gib us w'en we 
wos a huntin' foh a job. 

Jake. Yis, Pete ; but I'se mighty 'fraid dat we won't nebber 
see sech good times es we did sence we got dem close. 

Squinim. Jake, I'll gib you five seconds to come heah er 
pack up yo things an' leab 

Jake. I'se comin' I tell you. Well, Pete, guess I'll hab 
ter go. 

Pete. Go — good-by, Jake, an' lemme ask you one thing. You 
an' me allers bin good frens an' didn't nebber quarrel. You'll 
take good care ob Betsy, foh I'se agoin' Norf to git rich, an' 
den I'll come back an' marry her. 

Jake. Yis, Pete, I'll do dat, I will. {Aside) Guess we'll see 
who'll do de marryin'. {Aloud.) An' now good-by, foh I mus' 
go or de ole man'll be heah foh me. 

Pete. Good-by, an' doan' forgit Betsy. {Exit Jake R.) Well, 
s'pose I mus' go; tell you wot it goes mos' mighty hard to leabe 
all dese yer folks, Jake an' Misser Squinim, an' 'specially his 
daughter Betsy. 

Enter Posey R. 

Posey. Why, how are you, Pete ? Haven't you found a job 
yet? What's the matter? 

Pete. Oh, misser, 1 feels so awful bad. I got a job, an' wos 
a gittin' long fine an' now i'se got discharged. 



THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 7 

Wlio discliarged you ? 

Pete. Misser Squinim. 

Posey. Oil, so you were working for Squinim. What did lie 
discharge you for ? 

Pete. For lubbin' his daughter Betsy. 

Posey. For loving his daughter Betsy? Why, Pete, she's 
rich ! 

Pete. Golly ! Massa Posey, dat doan hurt her. I'd like mos' 
mighty well to marry her foh all dat. 

Posey. Well, since you wish to marry her, I have a plan by 
which I'll introduce you into the house, and I think you may get 
a chance to pop the question to Betsy. 

Pete. {Eagerly) How I do dat ? 

Posey. Why, I'll make you into a statue. 

Pete. Golly ! Can't do dat, massa, 'less you whitewash me. 

Posey. Yes I can; come and I'll show you how. (Exit 
both It.) 

CURTAIN. 



SOJElsTJE II. 

Scene. — A Idtdieii. The tahle set for supper. Betsy and her 
mother finishing putting the things on the table. 



{Stepping to the door P. and humming a song.) Guess 
I better go an' fotch dem cows; dey's jess down in de woods by 
Joe Keely's shanty. Jake's got so much to do dat he won't hab 
time. 

Mrs. Squinim. You jess come long an' help set dis yer table 
an' let dat lazy Jake do his own work. An' dat low nigger Pete 
am down der 'bout Joe's shanty; so you jess keep way from 
dah, you heah ? 

Betsy. Yethem. 

Enter Jake R. 

Jake. Ain't de supper mos' ready? I'se awful hungry! 

Mrs. Squinim. You jess nebber min' 'bout dat supper ; jess 
go an' fotch dem cows. {Jake remains in the background, and 
getting a chance while Mrs. Squinim' s lack is turned, he grabs a 
piece off the table.) Now you clar out. {Chases Jake out R.) 
Betsy, fotch de rest of dem tings from de cellar. {Exit Betsy 
L. She soon returns with dish.) Now, den, I guess we got all 
'bout ready. An' you stay in de house to-night ; you under- 
stand dat ? 

Betsy. Yis, ma. 

Mrs. Squinim. Ole man ; hey, hey, ole man 1 

Squinim. Wot de mattah ? 

Mrs. Squinim. Youh supper's ready. 

Enter Squinim and Jake L. They seat themselves at the table, 
Squinim i?., Mrs. Squinim L., Jake and Beti^y at back of table. 



8 THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 

Squinim. Jake, you git dat wheat all thrashed ? 

Jake. Yis, sah. 

Sqi'inim. Well, dats more'n Pete an' you'd bofe done ef he'd 
bin along. {A knock at door JR.) Jake, go see whose at de 
doah. 

Jake. It's de win'. (Knock.) 

Squinim. Jake, Jake ! Go see who is at de doah. 

Jake. {Eating very fast.) Tell you it's nuflSn* but de win'. 
{Knock.) 

Squinim. Now, Jake, der is somebody dere ; go an' see who 
'tis. {Jake runs to the door and looks out, runs hack and sits down 
and begins to eat.) 

Jake. It's a man. 

Squinim. Well, go an' tell him to come in. {A pause.) Jake, 
go an' tell him to come in. {Jake runs to the door) 

Jake. Man, come in, come in. {Runs back to table and sits 
down.) 

Enter Posey R, 

Posey. Good evening, Mr. Squinim. 

Squinim. Good ebenin', sah. 

Fosey. It's quite a spell since I saw you. How are you get- 
ting on ? 

Squinim. Oh, I'se gittin' 'long middlin' like. Jake, git up 
an' let dis man eat his supper. 

Posey. I see you have quite a nice place to live in ; does it 
belong to you ? 

Squinim. Yis, sah, I owns it. Jake, git up an' let dis man 
eat his supper. {A pause.) You heah ? {Jake rises and stands 
behind the chair. Posey sits down.) Jess help you self, Misser 
Posey. Betsy, pass dat bread. {Every time Posey goes to take a 
bite Jake takes it out of his hand just as it reaches his mouth. 

Posey. I see you have quite a fine place, Squinim, and I no- 
ticed that you have been fixing it up some. 

Squinim. Yis, Betsy an' de ole ooman hab got de idee dat 
dey mus' hab tings jess like de white folks. 

Posey. That's all right ; people should beautify their homes, 
and try to make them cheerful and attractive. In my recent 
trip to the North I saw some very fine buildings and a great 
many beautiful things. 

Squinim. Yis, sah, I 'spect so. Jake, go and feed de pigs. 
Did you go to New York City ? 

Posey. Oh, yes, I spent a week in that place. 

Mrs. Squinim. Den you seen ole Uncle Solomon Ezekiel 
Brown ? 

Posey. Brown! No, I don't remember meeting any person 
of that name. 

Betsy. Why, you doan 'spect lie could fine him in a big city 
like New York ? Dere's more'n fifty thousan' people libin' 
dar. 

Squinim. Jake, go an' feed de pigs. {Jake takes a box of flour 



THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 9 

from Ms pocket and drops some on Squinim's and Posey's handker- 
chiefs which are in their hats that are set behind their chairs. Exit 
Jake L.) 

Posey. Yes, New York is quite a large place, and there are a 
great many things to be seen in it. I noticed among the many- 
things I saw a fine parlor-ornament called a " statue," and think- 
ing that they might find ready sale I brought several along with 
me, and my call this evening on you was for the purpose of try- 
ing to sell one to you. 

Jake. {Looking in at L. door.) Oh, Misser Squinim, big pig 
root little pig all out de troff ! 

Squinim. Well, nebber min', jess feed 'em an' keep quiet. 
Oh, I doan know 'bout dat, wot you call it ? We's got more 
tings now dan we kin pay fo'. 

Mrs. Squinim. Oh, you doan nebber want to git nuffin' ! 
{They rise from the table and wipe their faces on their handker- 
chiefs.) 

Squinim. Dat's some of dat Jake's work. 

Posey. Oh, never mind, only a slight accident ! Please come 
out to the wagon and I will show yon the statue of which I was 
speaking. {Exit Posey and Squinim R.) 

CURTAIN FALLS. 



SCEISTE III. 

^CBN'E,.— Same as Scene II, but the table is taken away. Pete is 
there draped in a sheet, a handkerchief o'cer his face, and he holds 
a paddle in his hands. He is mounted on a box, 07i the side of 
which there is a crajik tohich causes a spring inside of the box to 
snap, and as it snaps Pete leaves the paddle back and forth. All 
the other actors present. 

Posey. {T Liming the crank.) You see it works very fine ; has 
a very natural motion, and is not at all liable to get out of or- 
der. 

Jake. Why, Misser Squinim, dat's Pete ! 

Posey. {Aside to Jake.) Confound it ! Keep quiet, you fooL 
You see, Mr. Squinim, how very natural it is when that fellow 
thinks it is really Pete. 

Jake. Well, dat is Pete. 

Posey. Well it's not, I tell you ; now keep your mouth shut. 
You have a fair chance, Mr. Squinim, here to have a little fun. 
Just get some of your friends to turn the crank while another 
stands in front, and there will be astounding results. 

Squinim. Yis, sali, dat works berry nice. 

Jake. Now, Misser Squinim, dat is Pete fo' shuah. 

Posey. If you don't shut up I'll crack your woolly head, you 
crazy simpleton 1 



10 THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 

Squinim. Now, Jake, you keep quiet ; you doan know nuffin* 
'bout dis. Go an' put de bosses in de medder. 

Jake. Well, dat is Pete. {Exit L.) 

Posey. Well, I must be going. I'll leave this statue here for 
the present and you can see how you like it. It is very cheap, 
only $3.50. I have been selling them for $5, but as this is the 
last you may have it for $3.50. 

Bqumim. Dat's cheap 'nufl, ennyhow, an' I'll see how we 
like it. {Ex,it Posey and Squinim i?., Betsy and Mrs. Squinim L. 
A pause.) 

Enter Jake L. 

Jake. I golly! Lb'lieve I'll try dis yer ting. {Be turns it 
and Pete strikes him and knocks him down.) Jeeminy, but dat 
ting strikes pow'ful! Mebbe I didn't turo fast 'null. {He turns 
witha quick jerk. Knocks him down again.) Guess I better leabe 
dat be. {Exit L.) 

Enter Betsy L. 

Betsy. Pete, Pete, dat you ? 

Pete. Yis, dat's me. 

Betsy. Why, w'at you come back fob ? 

Pete. {Looking around cautiously.) For you, Betsy. Will 
you marry me ? 

Betsy. Ye — yes, Pete, I'll marry you. 

Pete Let's go right away and git married den. {Exit 
both B.) 

Enter Jake L. 

Jake. Guess I try dat ting again. It doan look jess like it 
did. Mebbe it doan strike ennymore. {He turns it slowly. As 
it snaps he jumps back.) Didn't hit me dat time, ennyhow. 
{Turns again.) Now, dat's bin Pete, an' him an' Betsy am run 
off an' got married. Now, I'm goin' to act Pete. {He mounts 
the box and takes the paddle.) 

Enter Squinim R. 

Squinim. Well, well, I 'clar to gracious ! Deys done leff dis 
yer statue stan' till it's got all rusty. Wonder if it'll work yet ? 
{He turns it. Knocks him down.) Guess dat works. Now, I'll 
fool de ole ooman. Ole ooman! Mrs. Squinim! Mrs. Squin- 
im ! Hilloa ! Come in heah an' see dis yer statue ; it doan work 
right. 

Enter Mrs. Squinim L. 

Mrs. Squinim. Why, wat's de mattah? Lemme try it. {She 
turns it. Knocks her doicn.) No, dat doan work right, dat's a 
fac'. {Jake steps down and throws off the sheet.) 

Squinim. Oh, wot's dis ? — wot's dis ? Dat you, Jake ? 

Jake. Yis, sah, dat's me. 

Mrs. Squinim. Wot you doin' heah ? 



THE JOKE ON SQUINIM. 11 

Jake. I'se actin' Pete. Dat wos him dat wos on dere, an' now 
Betsy an' him's.run off an' got married. Heah dey come. 

Enter Pete and Betsy R. Squijiim glares pr a moment at Pete, 

then seizes Mm and throws him down. Mrs. Squinim comes 

to them. Enter Posey R. Jake and Betsy 'part 

Squinim and Pete. 

Posey. Why, what's this fuss about? What does all this 
mean ? 

Mrs. Squinim. It means, sah, dat you brought dat dirty, lazy 
niggah Pete heah loh a statue, an' now Betsy and him's married, 
an' now de character ob dis family am gone'! 

Posey. Well, there's nothing so very bad in all that. 

Mrs. Squinim. Dey isn't, eh? Why, dat Pete nebber had $10 
at once. 

Posey. Well, he has more, than that now. A friend in the 
North wrote to me, a short time ago, asking for a good colored 
person, who was married, to act as janitor of a store. Pete is 
engaged for that position at $30 per month. 

Squinim. $30 ! You heah dat, ole woman ? 

Mrs. Squinim. Dat's tiptop! Mor'en a good many white 
folks make. Now, Betsy, you sabe dat money, 'kase I wants ter 
quit work 'bout nex' spring, an' come an' lib wid yer. 

Posey. Well, since you see how things have gone, and as Pete 
and Be'tsy are now married, I think that you will not be sorry 
that you purchased your Statue ! 

POSITION OF CHARACTERS, 

c. 

Pete, Betsy ^ , r 

CURTAIN. 



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SCRAP BOOK RECITA. 

TION SERIES. 



Now Ready, No. 1. 

Price, postpaid. Paper, 25 cents. 

" The selections are choice in quality and in large variety." — 
Inter-Ocean, Chicago. 

" It excels anything we have seen for the purpose."— ^c^ec^^c 

" The latest and best things from our popular writers appear 
here." — Normal Teacher. 



CONTENTS OF NO. 1. 



Keep the Mill A-going. 

Faces in the Fire. 

In School Days. 

The Two Roads. 

Extreme Unction. 

Baron Grimalkin's Death. 

Words and Their Uses. 

Fritz's Troubles. 

Two Christmas Eves. 

An Interview Between the School 

Directors and the Janitor. 
To the Memory of the late Brigham 

Young. 
How Liab and I Parted. 
Old Grimes' Hen. 
The Average Modern Traveler. 
At My Mother's Grave. 
The Newsboy's Debt. 
Mrs. Potts' Dissipated Husband. 
I See the Point. 
The Professor in Shafts. 
Mr. Sprechelheimer's Mistake. 
God's Time. 
The Little Folks. 
The Old Schoolmaster. 
The Revolutionary Rising. 
Pat's Letter. 
How to Go to Sleep. 
Nothing. 

De Pen and De Swoard. 
A Greyport Legend— 1797. 
The Life-Boat is a gallant Bark. 
Birthday Gifts. 
The Superfluous Man. 
Sockery Setting a Hen. 



The Water that Has Passed. 

Medley— Mary's Little Lamb, 

The Launch of the Shop. 

Aunt Kindly. 

Evening at the Farm. 

Battle of Beal An' Duine. 

Passing Away. 

Mark Twain and the Interviewer. 

Daybreak. 

True Life. 

Modern Loyalty. 

Unfinished Still. 

Allow for the Crawl. 

The Silent Tower of Bottreaux. 

Gentility. 

The Drunkard. 

The Poetical Patch Quilt. 

What is Life? 

Art Thou Living Yet? 

New Year's Chime. 

Song of the Chimney. 

A Domestic Tempest. 

Common Sense. 

How Mr. Coffin Spelled it. 

The Old Man in the Palace Car. 

Ego and Echo. 

A Night Picture. 

A Penitent. 

Rum's Ruin. 

The Babies. 

What Is It to Me? 

Our First Commander. 

Horseradish. 

The Doom of Claudius and Cynthia. 



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**The selections are fresh, pure, and elevating." — Missouri Teacher. 

CONTENTS OF No. 2. 

Albert Drccker, Pathetic Thomas J. Hyatt 5 

Better in the Morning, Pathetic Rev. Leander S. Coan 6 

Blue Skv Somewhere Vera 9 

Wounde'd, Battle Poem J. W. Watson 18 

Papa's Letter, Pathetic 14 

Grandfather's Reverie, Pathetic Theodore Parker 16 

The Old Village Choir Benj. F. Taijlor 18 

At the Party Elizabeth Stuart Phelps 19 

Romance at Home, Humorous Fanny Fern 21 

The Legend of the Organ Builder Harper's Magazine 22 

I Vash So Glad I Vash Here, very Humorous 25 

Der Dog und der Lobster, Humorous Saul Sertrew 26 

What VVas His Creed? 28 

Dedication of Gettysburg Cemetery Abraham Lincoln 29 

Time Turns the Table, Excellent 30 

The Man Who Hadn't Any Objection, Humorous.. 32 

The Soldier's Mother, Sentimental 33 

*'De Pervisions, Josiar." Humorous 34 

A Response to Beautiful Snow, Sentimental Sallie J. Hancock 35 

The Defence of Lucknow, Heroic Tennyson 36 

A Model Discourse, Humorous , 41 

My Darling's Shoes — 43 

The Volunteer Soldiers of the Union Robert G. Ingersoll 44 

Life, Compilation Mrs. H. A. Darning 46 

The Old-Fashioned Mother 47 

De 'Sperience ob de Reb'rend Quacko Strong-, Humorous 48 

A Heart to Let 50 

Jimmy Butler and the Owl, Humorous Anonymous 51 

Presentiments, Pathetic T. S. Benison 54 

Eloquence or Oratory 56 

Raising the Flag at Sumter Henry Ward Beecher 57 

Parrhasius and the Captive N. P. Willis 59 

Portent Celia Thaxter w62 

He Wasn't Ready, Humorous 63 

The Old Clock in the Corner Eugene J. Hall 64 

An Illustration, Fine Description Rev. Philip Krohn^ D. D. 66 

The Seven Stages Aiionymons 68 

The Bells of Shaudon Francis Mahony 69 

Circumlocution on The House that Jack Built, Fine 71 

The Brakeman goes to Church. Humorous Burdette 73 

Address to Class of '77, Knox College President Bateman "JB 

Bay Billy, Battle Incident Frank H. Gassaway 76 

The Flood and the Ark, Humorous Darkey Sermon 82 

The Steamboat Race Mark Twain 85 

Battle of Gettysburg C7ias. F. Ward 90 

A Connubial Eclogue, Humorous J. G. Saxe 93 

The Chambered Nautilus Oliver W. Holmes 95 

Ascent of Fu-si-Yama Dora Schoonmaker Soper 96 

The Musician's Tale, Splendid Sea Tale Longfellow 98 

Vera Victoria H. M. Soper 104 

Ruining the Minister's Parrot, very Funny 106 

The Irish Philosopher, Humorous 109 



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"There is such a variety of prose and poetry, pathos, fun and narrative as is 
not often found in the compass of one small hook.^^— Practical Teacher. 



CONTENTS OF No. 3. 

Flash— The Fireman's Story Will Carleion 

A Smooth Path Millie C. Pomeroy 

The 1 hree Friends, Humorous Burdetie 

Mosses— Earth's Humblest Children J. Buskin 

The Nineteenth Century Teacher, Humorous 

The Blind Man and his Candle, A Fable J. G. Saxe 

A Thunder Storm, Fine Description A. P. Miller 

He Wouldn't Hush, Humorous 

The Bells ...Edgar A. Poe 

The Blacksmith of Bottle Dell James Maurice Thompson 

What Farmer Green Said 

Napoleon at Rest J. Pierpont 

Benedict Arnold's Death-bed George Lippard 

Soliloquy, Humorous By a Girl of the Period 

One Cent and Costs, Humorous Boston Globe 

Poet and Painter Miss H. R. Hudson 

Maud Mulier's Moving, Humorous 

What is Ambition? Fine Description N. P. Willis 

Kentucky Philosophy, Very Funny ^ Harper'' s Monthly 

The Problem of Lite, Fine Theodore Tilton 

Praise of Little Women, Excellent H. W. Longfellow 

Address to Class of '77 National School of Oratory Pres. Shoemaker 

Rizpah, Fine Pathos Mrs. Lucy Blinn 

Last Charg-eof Ney ..J. T. Headley 

Decoration Day Speech, Fine Oration Col. R. G. Ingersoll 

Soldier' Re-union Dr. F. S. Bennett 

Music Hath Charms, Humorous Rockland Courier Gazette 

Am Life Wuf de Libin ? Comic Detroit Free Press 

The Diamond Wedding 

The Palace, Descriptive T.S. Denison 

Driving: a Cow, Humorous Burlington Hawkey e 

A Condensed Novel 

God Wills It So. A Plea and Answer, Temperance 

Mr. Middlerib's Experiment or Movement Cure for Rheu- 
matism, Humorous .Burlington Hawkey e 

Medley H.M.Soper 

Vat You Please, Humorous Win. B. Fowle 

Opportunity for Effort George R. Kussell 

Battle of Cannffi, Fine Description Ebe7i Hale Wells 

Pierre La Forge's Dream Eva Katlierine Mink 

Quousque Tandem O'Catalina ? Humorous Rev. A . L. Frisbie 

Deacon Kent in Politics, First Rate Rev. A. L. Frisbie 

Charge of the Lightning Judge Ray Porter, Esq. 

The Wanderer's Bell Margaret ?. Preston 

A Fish Story Joh7i Brovjnjokn 

An American Sam Weller, Humorous 

Little Graves, Pathetic Lillie Snrbridge Curry 

Magdalen Edgar L. IVakeman 

The First Settler's Story, Pathetic Will M. Carleton 



THE PERSECUTED DUTCH3IAN. 

A. farce, by S. Barry; 6 male, 3 female. Time, 50 ra. Dutch comedian the lead- 
Ihtg character, irate parent and his daughter, Irishman, lover, etc. This splendid 
farce is always a favorite. Its telling and ludicrous situations never fail to bring 
down the house. Scenes interior in a hotel. 

A KISS 11^ THE DARK. 

A farce, by J. B. Buckstone ; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 40 m. This play is so 
simple in consti'uction that it is very easily presented. The ludicrous denoue- 
ment of the piece brings out everything to the entire satisfaction of all concerned, 
and much to their amusement. Scenes, interior. 

MY TUR\ NEXT. 

A capital farce, by T. J. Williams ; 4 male, 3 female. Leading man, Twitters, 
an apothecarv, just married and extremely timid, walldng gents, leading lady, 
Mrs. Twitters, formerly a widow, walking lady and soubrette. Time, 45 m. 
Illustrates the difficulties an apothecary encountered through marrying in haste. 
The suflerings of Twitters are excruciatingly funny. Scenes, interior. 

THE LIMERICK BOY; Or, Paddy's Mischief. 

A farce ; 5 male, 2 female. Characters, Irish comedian, eccentric and irascible 
old man, gardener, etc., nervous widow and her daughter. Scenes, interior and 
exterior. Time, 45 m. This is one of the most popular farces ever v/ritten. 

rM NOT MESILF AT ALL. 

A farce, by C. A. Maltby; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m. Characters, Irish 
comedian, old man, military man, walking lady, chambermaid. Very funny, and 
easily presented. Scenes," interior. 

LOUVA, THE PAUPER. 

A drama in five acts ; 9 male and 4 female characters. Time, 1 hour 45 m. 
Contains a good Yankee characterand a humorous darkey character, villain, gypsey 
crone, etc. This is an intensely interesting and pathetic play. It admits of' 
striking scenic effects, and is a strong and popular play for amateurs. Scenes ex- 
terior and interior. 

Act I., Louva's tyrants. Act II., freedom promised and denied. Act III., the 
trial. Act rV"., flight. Act V., pursuit; death in the mountains ; retribution. 

"Send sample copy of a play that is as good as Louva, the Pauper. That took 
splendidly here.'"— G'. J. Rnifsbach, Minier. III.., Dramatic Cluh. 

"Peleg Pucker, the Yankee peddler, is inimitable."— Praciica^ Ttacher^ Chu 
eago. III. 

A SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. 

A comedy-drama in five acts by Warren J. Brier; 8 male, 3 female. Time, 2 
hours, 30 m. This fascinating play can not fail to be universally popular. The 
plot is well laid, and the incidents decidedly dramatic. Its humor is rich and 
abundant. Fine opportunities for stage setting. Middle aged gentlemen, young 
gentlemen, villain. Irishman, darkey comedian, juvenile comedian, old maid and 
young ladies. 

"We were well pleased with 'A Soldier of Fortnne.'' Do not think we have 
had a better play."— TF. H. Stewart, Sec. Dramatic Club., Le Sever, Minn. 

"It is the play for amateurs.'"—^. J. Hale, Grass Lake, Mic^i. 
UNDER THE LAURELS. 

A drama in five acts by T. S. Denison; a stirring play, fully equal to Louva the 
Pauper. Five male, 4 female. Time, 1 hour, 45 m. Leading lady, villain, 
comedian, darkey comedian, soubrette. Strong scenic effects. Storm scene. 
Scenes interior. 

Act I. Conspiracy. Act II. The lost inheritance. Act III. The haunted 
cabin, the storm in the mountains, Clifiville jail, the regulators. Act IV. Des- 
pair. Act V. Escape, capture, rescue. AU's well. 

" We rendered 'Under the Laurels ' to a large and critical audience, with tell- 
IDne effect. It is a capital play and we shall try more of your pla.yB.'"— Dramatic 
Ctub,'2>anville, Ind. 



The Teachers' and Students' Library. 

By H. B. BROWN, G. D, LIND, F. P. ADAMS, etc. 

This work is beyond question the best published for the common school teacher. 
It has been approved by hundreds of educators and by the entire educational press 
of the Union. It is the o?!/y cyclopedia for the common school teacher. 

Twenty State Superintendents have Endorsed it, also Educators, and 
the Educational Press all over the Union. 

"It is what it professes to be; a compendium of knowledge necessary to the 
teacher, student, and general reader. I can hardly see how this work can fail of 
securing a large circulation." ROBEET GRAHAM, 

State Supt. Pub. Instruction, Wisconsin. 

" It seems to me to be a whole library in itself. In fact, the wonder is, that so 

much reliable information on such a variety of subjects of interest to teachers and 

students should be given in one volume of 532 pages. In my judgment the book 

deserves and will have a large circulation. JAS. P. SLADE, 

State Supt. Pub. Instruction, Illinois. 
"Vigorous, practical, and comprehensive." L. S. CORNELL, 

State Supt. Pub. Instruction, Colorado. 
"I have examined the * Teachers' and Students' Library' with some care, and 
must say it is the best publication for teachers that I have ever seen." 

J. A. SMITH, State Supt. Pub. Instruction, Mississippi. 
" School officers should see that every teacher's desk has this work for handy 
reference." — New Englajid Journal Educatio7i. 

"We can heartily commend the book. It is cheap, useful, and issued in at- 
tractive style." — Peiuisylvania School Journal. 

"It is even better than recommended. All teachers and advanced students 
should have a copy." E. M. ROTRAMEL, Co. Supt. Franklin Co., 111. 

'• The work is all it claims to be." G. S. W. CRAWFORD, 

State Supt. Pub. Instruction, Teniu 

It sells very readily. All it needs is faithful work on the part of the agent. 
One agent in Michican sold 85 copies in a county that enrolls but 115 teachers. An 
agent in North Carolina reports 50 in a county which enrolls but 125 teachers and 
his canvass not yet completed. The agent for McDonough County, 111., sold 150 
copies in that county. You can add 

to your yearly income by working this book on Saturdays and vacations. You 
need only to find a a teacher to sell him a book. 

IK-STITUTES 

are a profitable field if you have not leisure at any other time for the work. But a 
steady canvass at the homes of teachers never fails. If you cannot work now 
please hand this to some one who can. 

N. B. — This book is well worth the full price asked, and will not be sold any 
cheaper. It is useless to write for special rates on a single copy, or for " examin- 
ation" rates. No attention will be paid to such requests. See contents and prices 
on previous page. Specimen pages, confidential circulars and terms to agents free. 

T. S. DENISON, 

70 Metropolitan Block. CHICAGO 

A NEW BOOK.— I have in press, to be ready about March, 1S84, a new 
profusely illustrated book on a popular subject. A few first-class men are wanted 
to sell the work and handle agents. Nothing like it in the field. After Jan. ist, 
address me for terms. 



THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA. 

Price, IS cis. each, post-paid. 

These plays are all short, and very funny. Nothing poor In the list. Thej 
serve admirably to give variety to a prograinine. The female characters may be 
assumed by males in most cases. Where something- thoroughly comical, but 
unobjectionable is wanted, they are just the thing. 

STAGE STRUCK DARKT. 

A very funny " take-off" on tragedy; 2 male, i female. Time 10 minutes. 
STOCKS UF— STOCKS DOWN. 

2 males; a played-out author and his sympathizing friend; very funny and full 
of " business " and practical jokes. Time 10 minutes. 

DEAF— IN A UORN. 

2 males; negro musician and a deaf pupil. A very interesting question sudden- 
ly enables the latter to hear. YuW of first-class " business." Time S minutes. 

HANDY ANDY. 

3 males; master and servant. The old man is petulant and the servant makes 
all sorts of ludicrous mistakes and misunderstands every order. Very lively in 
action. Time 10 minutes. 

THE MISCHIEVOUS NI06ER. 

A farce; 4 males, 2 females. Characters: The mischievous nigger, old man, 
French barber, Irishman, widow, nurse. Time 20 minujtes. 

THE SHAM DOCTOR. 

A negro farce ; 4 males, 2 females. This is a tip-top farce. The "sham doctor" 
can not fail to bring down the house. Time 15 minutes. 

NO CURE, NO PAY. 

3 males, i female. Doctor Ipecac has a theory that excessive terror will cure 
people who are deaf and dumb. His daughter's lover is mistaken for the patient 
to the terror of all. Only one darky. A capital little piece for schools or parlor. 
Time 10 minutes. 

TRICKS. 

5 males, 2 females. (Only two darkys, i male, i female.) A designing old 
step-father wishes to marry his step-daughter for her money. She and her lover 
plan an elopement. The old man discovers it and has an ingenious counter-plot— 
which fails completely, to his discomfiture. Time 10 minutes. Suited to parlor 
performance. 

HAUNTED HOUSE. 

2 males. A white-washer encounters "spirits" in a house he has agreed to 
white-wash. Plenty of business. Time 8 minutes. 

THE TWO POMPEYS. 

4 males. A challenge to a duel is worked up in a very lunny way. Tirr.e 
8 minutes. 

^A^ UNHAPPY PAIR. 

3 males, and males for a band. Two hungry niggers strike the musician^ 
for a souare meal. Good for school or parlor, and very funny. Time 10 mmutes. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



Any Play on this List 15 Cts.PosI 



Plays by T. S. DENISON. 

ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 

A drama in five acts ; 7 mnle and 4 fe- 
male characters. Time, 2 hours. 

SETH GREENBACK. 

A drama in four acts; 7 male and 3 fe- 
male. Time, i hour 15 m. 

INITIATING A GRANGER. 

A ludicrous farce ; S male. Time, 25 m. 

TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. 

A humorous farce based on boarding- 
school life ; 7 female characters. Time, 
25 m. 

THE ASSESSOR. 

A humorous sketch; 3 male and 2 fe- 
male. Time, 15 m. 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 

A ludicrous farce; 3 male and 5 fe- 
male. Time, 30 m. 

COUNTRY JUSTICE. 

A very amusing- country law suit; S 
male chaVacters. (May admit 14.) Time, 

THE PULL-BACK. 

A laughable farce; 6 female. Time, 
20 min. 

HANS VON SMASH. 

A roaring farce in a prologue and one 
act; 4 male and 3 female. Time, 30 m. 

OUR COUNTRY. 

A patriotic drama in three parts. Re- 
quires 9 male, 3 female, (Admits 9 male 
i<i female.) Four fine tableaux. Time, 
about I hour. 

THE SCHOOL MA'AM, 

A briliant comedy in four acts ; 6 male, 
5 female. Time, i hour 45 niin. 

THE IRISH LINEN PEDDLER. 

A lively farce ; 3 male, 3 female. Time, 
45 m. 

THE KANSAS IMMIGRANTS; Or, the 
Great Exodus. 

A roaring farce; 5 male, i female. 
Time, 30 m. 

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. 

A splendid farce; 3 male, 6 female. 
Time, 45 m. 

IS THE EDITOR IN? 

A farce; 4 male and 2 female. 

AN ONLY DAUGHTER. 

A drama in three acts; g male and 2 
female. Time, i hour 15 m. 

PETS OF SOCIETY. 

A farce in high life; 7 females. Time, 



301 



A v. 
male. 




016 103 955 A 



A drama in five acts; 9 male and 4 fc- T3 
male characters. Time, 1 hour 45 m. 

UNDER THE LAURELS. 

A drama in five acts; a stirring play, 
fully equal to Louva the Pauper. Five 
male, 4 female. Time, i hour 45 m. 

THE SPARKLING CUP. 

A temperance drama in five acts; 12 
male and ■\ female. 



Plays by H. Ellio tt MoBride. 

ON THE BRINK. 

A temperance drama in two acts; 12 
male, 3 female. Time, i hour 45 m. 

A BAD JOB. 

A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 30 m. 

PLAYED AND LOST. 

A sketch; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 
20 m. 

MY JEREMIAH. 

A farce; 3 m.ale, 2 female. Time, 25 m- 

LUCY'S OLD MAN. • 

A sketch; 2 male, 3 female. Time, 20 
m. 

THE COW THAT KICKED CHICAGO. 

A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 21; m. 

I'LL STAY AWHILE. 

A farce; 4 male. Time, 25 m. 



THE FRIDAY AFTERNOON DIALOGUES, 

Short and lively. For boys and girls. 
—Price 26 cts. 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON SPEAKER' 

A choice collection. Three parts: for 
little folks, for older boys and girls, short 
pithy dialogues.— ^/-/ce 26 cts. 

SCRAP BOOK READINGS. 

Latest and best pieces.— Price per No. 
{paper couer) 26 cts. 

WORK AND PLAY. 

BY MARY J. jACqUES. 

A gem for the little folks. This is a 
book of both instruction and amusement. 
Part I consists of a large variety of very 
easy progressive exercises in letters, 
numbers, objects, geography, language, 
animated nature, motion, songs, etc. 
Part IT consists of dialogues, charades, 
pantomimes, etc. all original.— Price, 
in Manilla boards, post paid, 50 cts. 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, CHICAGO. 



